deepthirdman

and now for something completely different

"We are not going to talk 'till 2 AM tonight." Well no actually it was 3 AM when I wound up the MG. No traffic at all westbound anywhere on either A64 or A19. Usually I drift homeward at a restrained 60 MPH. Perhaps it was the exhilaration of spending time with Sue that wasn't part of our game plans for the weekend, perhaps it was the unexpected realization that spontaneity is still fun, or maybe it was driving a responsive car on a clear road, whatever the reason streaking home through the Vale of York at high speed (55 miles in 43 minutes from her door closing to taking coat off in cloakroom) was highly illegal, reprehensible, FUN, as driving hasn't been for far too long.

She said "stop feeling guilty about the crash and forgive yourself, I did long ago, we are still here together, and that is all that matters" Oh boy, one voice I can't ignore. Does that make the vote unanimous?

You don't have to be mad. . . . .



fair exchange, no net loss of soul . . .

 Counseling session three, get out, do not darken my door again, I can't do anything with you or words to that effect, she thinks I am either sane or crazy like a fox and that I know what she is doing and am therefore not susceptible to he ministrations, oops I did something wrong?

Sue says I was just being my "obstinate, arrogant self" her words as spoken, with a great big grin. My God she understands me. That's a comforting thought? Perversely I think I got a lot out of the sessions, I find life isn't necessarily gloomy, but I agree with the no more sessions concept. I don't need the reinforce by repetition treatment, just the reminder of who and what I actually am, as distinct from the individual who can't see the way out of the cycle of self pitying wallowing. I do know what I want, it is achievable, and many years ago I had more patience when things took more time than I wanted, and I can wait.

I know it is what Gill, 'Nel, and Mary (thank you all) have been saying all along but my guess is I did actually need the external "stranger's" viewpoint as confirmation. As I've said all along I know the words and indeed the tune, I just wasn't prepared to sing. Almost certainly I will relapse but I am more confident now in my ability to keep on humming along.

And Sue is, as usual, both perceptive and right when she says what has been missing is the consistent stubbornness and arrogance that makes me what I am, a right royal pain in the arse, qualities which make us such a good match when the lights are lit and I don't have gloomy head on and that she thinks makes us a good team. She thinks I'm stubborn!  But then she, correctly, takes my epithet "stubborn woman" as a compliment. God won't  there be fireworks if we argue, but I think I've been here before and agree with her, we are well matched. 

Oh and as a final observation, the real me doesn't believe in absolution, which arrogant SOB thinks they might have enough clout to absolve me, if I have sins to answer for they are mine and I'll say sorry if and when I'm accused of something I think I should feel guilty for, until accused I'll "take the fifth".

Well we finally finished our Scotland trip, back in August we had to leave the caravan in Scotland after I wrecked the 4x4. On Friday Simon and I went north in the new truck to collect it. The trip was interesting from the psychological point of view. It was the first time I had driven past the crash site, not fun. Fear, heart in thumping mode, things I should perhaps have expected but didn't. Spent a restless night up there and hitched up for the return trip. The first 15 miles are single track with passing places, driving a 35 foot rig is an "interesting" experience on roads like that at the best of times, the motorist who refused to back up left me a 30 yard reverse round a bend back to a passing place opposite the crash site, baptism of fire! Made it. Threading the rig down the side of Loch Lomond with just 3 inches clearance either side between the white lines at the side and middle of the road by the northern end of the loch is FUN, threading a moving needle with flexible thread, at 30 mph with a string of traffic behind and oncoming buses and other big traffic. Glasgow was easy. As easy as urban motorway ever is in a big cumbersome outfit, the rest of the trip was boring by comparison but 750 miles in 2 days is tiring and in this instance emotionally draining.


Interesting, not really but it closes at least one of the issues that have dogged me since the crash, I can still drive, safely and accurately under stress, now all we need is Sue to be comfortable riding next to me, but we are working on that, she's having physio and counseling, we will get there because we both want to and need to.
 

Ye Gods I'm back where I started,

I hear everyone, yes I do, grab it with both hands while I have the chance, and ,forgive me, that's what I'm doing.

But it does nothing for the guilt I feel.  

Guilt that it was Sandy , not me, not entirely rational I know, but very real.

Guilt at being happy in Sue's company, stupid, I know but it sometimes feels like treachery, and I know the answer to that, Sandy would prefer me happy to me miserable, but irrational guilt.

Guilt at feeling love for Sue that feels as strong as any in my life. I struggle with "the queen is dead, long live the queen" I know "life goes on", and I am not in control of my feelings, does that expiate my guilt? Not one bit.  

Guilt at inflicting the wreckage I am on Sue, I know "not my choice" but guilt non the less.

And the answer isn't "live in now", I don't know what the answer is but I recognise a cop out when I see one.

I think I'll put in for a transfer to the Jewish International Guilt Team, then I can add bacon sandwiches to the guilt list. Does the make guilty of racism?

Councellor,  no what I need is absolution, probably from two women who wouldn't/don't see the need.

 Second session with councelor, oops. I don't need sweetness and light, and post hypnotic suggestion needs hypnosis to work I suspect.


Ah well, see Sue tomorrow evening, talk it out. But what I need isn't Pollyanna. Perhaps a pickled onion, or two. Or half a  bottle of Ogio Primitivo, or better both and Sue (yes she has a taste for both but prefers Shiraz, lucky boy I am).

 For those who haven't met her the pic is of Sue.


The picture doesn't do her justice, in my opinion, but it is the best I have. 

Incandescent fury! Why, because I could not sort the cards of my bridge hand and fan them so I could play, I am perfectly aware of the willing forebarance of the rest of the players but it angers me that I can no longer do this simple manual task. The solution is simple, a card rack for disabled players, but great gods and little fishes it fuels my feelings of inadequacy. Just another helping off pride to swallow.

 OK, enough is enough, lacking confidence in my own abilities has to end. I know what I can't do well  enough. Time to  check the basics. I've just bought a drivercheck with the Institute of Advanced Motoring, 40 minute assessment of driving skills, that will be fun, not, but necessary. 40 years of driving is far too long to go without a serious progress check.


This afternoon I take my twisted persona to a councelor!???

That will be interesting, sane? I doubt it, so nothing new there then.

No i'm not retaking Basic Food Hygiene.

Yes I will renew First Aid Certificates.

What else? Who knows, something academic? U3A perhaps. OU possibly.


Oh who knows?

OK logical head on.

It's interesting to be TOLD to stop worrying about tomorrow on the basis the "if you are flattened by  a road roller on the way home you won't have one". I hadn't realised  that such heavy plant COULD pounce unexpectedly, I'd always assumed that they were too big to hide in the long grass. At last I understand why councils cut the grass verges!!! 

I know, trust the girl, she has more sense than I do, not difficult I know. The other comment was "get a life" and I guess I am kind of dependent on one element of my existence. Unfortunately I thought I had one once (life, that is) and I'm still picking up the pieces. Still I suspect the emotional ups and downs of my life make an interesting spectator sport lol almost like watching a roller coaster.  No, not complaining or being nasty,  i'm trying hard to see the funny side, apparently I should laugh more (Sue's instruction for the day) Her comment on my stupidity  "I'm not going anywhere,, . . and nor are you" but listening is a habit I think all couples grow out of as familiarity leads to knowing what the other half will say or think and take it from me it isn't easy to relearn, I still think old dogs and new tricks, but again from Sue, "it's not a new trick, just one you haven't practiced for a while" and on that note I'll close this, I have to go practice . . . .

 
Well there you go, Am I really stupid? Yes I guess I am, one day I will learn that I don't always (ever ?) get it right, almost everyone in the known universe knows I love her, One day I might develop the confidence to believe she could, and does, love me. It would be nice to be that secure, and holding hands, or working together  I KNOW its true, but I've spent half a lifetime in the company of someone who I could predict and anticipate in almost anything, and old dogs don't learn new tricks quickly, if at all, and carrying on as if I know what Sue is thinking was almost disastrous and I didn't spot the cue, old foolish and SLOW.

Still a rough patch in the midst of which I thought she was upset enough with me not to want me around any more, wrong again, over now thank you 'Nel for making me see sense, might teach me to listen, and not assume I understand what I hear and what the silences mean and ASK if I'm not sure, Great Gods and little fishes I taught that communication 101 stuff to 17 year old students, how dim can old age make me?

I guess I need to remember how much effort it takes for two people to grow "comfortable" together and how long it takes and that neither love nor friendship necessarily shorten the process and that growing together once offers no clue how to do it again. Difficult lessons to absorb, but let joy be unconfined, Sue says she'll teach me, Keep your fingers crossed for the learning of new tricks.  
 

Quack quack lol "if it waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck" so I was told.Some seemed to think we were hiding the essential waterfowlness of our relationship, I just have to post Sue's reply "quack, There may be the odd outback Australian aborigine who is unaware of the bond between us but his friends will tell him as soon he finishes walkabout" Laughter followed I share her humour and similarly don't  care who knows I

 
In one of such advanced years a modicum of self restraint should be easy. No way.

Sue draws the short straw and works a guelling week of 12 hour nights, and works eats and sleeps and I miss her. I know it makes no sense, I know we have all spent longer periods apart from our partners than the four days since I was last in her company and survived, though I am presently unsure how. I guess I've regressed to about the emotional level of a 17 year old.

We're having breakfast/supper  together tomorrow because she doesn't want to wait any longer either, Life must be really interesting for all you grown ups, the kids amongst us are still suffering/enjoying the roller coaster. The old saying has it right, "youth is wasted on the young"  isn't it just. Never mind one week of nights gets 2 whole weeks off, exit stage left, grinning, whistling and performing cartwheels. . . . .  . 

OK, so my memory is getting thin, I've been trying to remember the names of Snow White's dwarves, I may have got some of them wrong can anyone help come up with a definitive list?

The ones I remember (?) are; Doc, Grumpy,  Randy, Sleazy, Tarty,  Kinky and Slutty.

And while we are out there feeling surreal

I haave on occasion rebutted an accusation, butting one however . .
and why do we so seldom furbish when later we claim to refurbish. .

and for those who remember Beyond our Ken . . teapot

ah well time for bed